Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Close call…
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
the rocks need my help
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.