@TweetPotato314

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

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@Holy_Mowgli

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

@Pro_Jones_

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

@DurtMcHurtt

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

@ThisOneSayz

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

@TheMichaelRock

Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.

@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.