me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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A face that lunched a thousand chips.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Don’t tell me what to do
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.