INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: can i be frank for a sec
frank: thank you
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Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?
Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
RT if you could go either way.
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.
Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.
Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.
My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I never know how much to tip a cow.