me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.


Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.


i’m bored i think I’ll ask my husband if he’d stay single if i died suddenly and which one of my friends he thinks is hot


Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year


Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.


*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Table: No


[before axes were invented]

Guy following a beaver: c’mon man, last time I promise


snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes


dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot