God: Basically u just chill.
God: I mean, at first.
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: can I borrow $20?
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
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[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*