Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
my professor scared me for a second
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.