@FU_TangClan

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

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@papasuncle

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

@KylePlantEmoji

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

@gingerfaced

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

@better_off_dad2

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

@CatsVsHumanity

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

@Nickadoo

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@deIuge

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@CockSnake

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*