Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

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There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.


every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.


Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.


Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.


Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.