Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.