@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana

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@LADaddy

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

@niccolethurman

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

@farouq_yahaya

Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@XplodingUnicorn

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.