There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You Might Also Like
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Once upon a time, there was a monarch who was 13 inches tall.
He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.