ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
In Canada they just call them geese
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.