me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
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I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.