My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
Me: Can I buy that chandelier?
Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?
Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.
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The training begins.
Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.
A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?