@IrishVin

Me: Can I buy that chandelier?

Store guy: Of course. Are you putting it up yourself?

Me: No, I’m hanging it from the ceiling.

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@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

@Neauxpe

A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.

@AsgardianRose

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

@DTelf

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

@madcaplaughs30

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

@TheBoydP

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?