Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LeftOf_Normal

My therapist told me “Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them.” Did that, but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

@_youhadonejob1

The training begins.

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

@Neauxpe

A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.

@AsgardianRose

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

@patnspankme

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

@DTelf

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

@madcaplaughs30

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

@blainecapatch

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

@TheBoydP

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?