Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years