me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.