me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.