ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room



Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.


[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain


If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.


50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.


I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.


My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.


2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away


HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.