Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@pittdave13

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

@robfee

Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.

@GoldenSpirals

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

@owlcity

If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive.

@daemonic3

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

@TheTweetOfGod

I care more about the outcome of sporting events than any other aspect of human existence.

@primawesome

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@mrjohntofu

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

@Writepop

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.