Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[eats all your cotton candy]
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I hope they boil the right one.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
mom had nothing to worry about