@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

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@trevso_electric

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

@electrolemon

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

@drivethatfast

This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations

@FeelingEuphoric

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

@juliussharpe

Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

@Try2StopME

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

@Megatronic13

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.