Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

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Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no


Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!


SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room


Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’


If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.


When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.


Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.


My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.


Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.