@tennisonok

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

@pixelatedboat

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

@NewDadNotes

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

@brunopieroni

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

@caperbc75

My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse

-Are you describing Chuck Norris?

Yes

@junejuly12

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.