Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Me: cubic zirconia?
Me: beaded plastic?
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
girl: can i have ur number
girl: oh uh. why
me: because its mine
My dream girl? Dirty blond hair, strong arms, cold eyes, immaculately shaped facial hair, no remorse
-Are you describing Chuck Norris?
Imagine me naked.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.