My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
This tube of suntan lotion has been in my family for three generations
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.