me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My favorite female superhero
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*