me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise
A salad is a bunch of things bribing you to eat lettuce.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[inventing the squirrel]
angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?
god: make em sneaky poopers
god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.