me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”