
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Finishing up my kite with a key attached.
No this quarantine isn’t bother me.
I’m good!
*Rides off into sunset*
*forgets mobile*
*Rides back*
Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.