Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@WakeVII

Thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 15 min before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a squirrel.

@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

@AimeeHelene1

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

@Bagyants

Why not just say you’re feeling thargic, don’t be all French about it

@QwertyJones3

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

@DallyDoll

Gross. This salad tastes like pee and vegetables. Don’t ask me how I know what vegetables taste like.

@scarebro

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@iamfase

Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.

@robdelaney

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)