@ceejoyner PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
@FrazzleMyGimp ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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@ceejoyner 
@TheMichaelRock Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?
Worker: You mean screws?
Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.
Worker….
@sageboggs “Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
@tsm560 While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?
@girlnarly the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
@AlexvanBeek Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
@McSwtrvst Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
@iwearaonesie wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
@batkaren ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
@Smooheed I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married