@ClichedOut: [getting murdered] me: my computer has a virus, so u could say [murdering pauses] me: i've been hacked twice today lol [murdering intensifies]

@bigTman001: Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir? Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@JohnLyonTweets: "I don't want a boyfriend." -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn't me

@therepoguy: Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@KenJennings: LIFE HACK tell the hotel you forgot your toothbrush. They don't even check, they just give you a brand new one!!! It's so sweet