@FrazzleMyGimp: ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.
@ClichedOut: HER: i'm leaving u ME: is it bc i don't take u seriously HER: yes ME: yeah right
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'm no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
@OtherDanOBrien: GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts- ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you're saying the wrong things
@TweetPotato314: Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars Therapist: That’s unsettling Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
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