@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

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@clindsaysway

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

@Mechaniz10

Finishing up my kite with a key attached.

No this quarantine isn’t bother me.

I’m good!

@KevinFarzad

Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.

@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

@leshnevsky

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

@WiseguyPictures

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

@causticbob

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

@iGreenGod

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.