ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!