Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
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*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
fired
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh