Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Smile they said.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
new record!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not