me: can I drink alcohol on this medication??

doctor: well one drink is going to make you feel like you’ve had 4…

me: oh so I’m saving moneyyyy

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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!


Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu


MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I’m not convinced


ME: Say it meaner


ME: You weren’t feeling that

MU: Sigh, you’re right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let’s just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man


Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?


You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.


date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”


date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]


My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.


Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute


If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…