I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me: can I drink alcohol on this medication??
doctor: well one drink is going to make you feel like you’ve had 4…
me: oh so I’m saving moneyyyy
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: I’m not convinced
ME: Say it meaner
MU: YOUR MONEY NOW
ME: You weren’t feeling that
MU: Sigh, you’re right
ME: Maybe wave your gun around?
MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist
ME: Let’s just forget it
MU: Yeah, sorry man
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…