coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.