@JaIenSkutt

me: can I drink alcohol on this medication??

doctor: well one drink is going to make you feel like you’ve had 4…

me: oh so I’m saving moneyyyy

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@sreekyshooter

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

@Home_Halfway

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: I’m not convinced

MUGGER: What

ME: Say it meaner

MU: YOUR MONEY NOW

ME: You weren’t feeling that

MU: Sigh, you’re right

ME: Maybe wave your gun around?

MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist

ME: Let’s just forget it

MU: Yeah, sorry man

@Chloestylo

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

@alexjmann

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

@KeetPotato

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

@climaxximus

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@kristikat7

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…