Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
😜
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Are you ok, human???
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.