me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
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me, after any kind of buffet.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?