I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend
1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?
DM for details
I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.
Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.
Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.