@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

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@imence2

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

@Easy_Tiger__

ATTN: I’m looking for a new girlfriend

Are you:

1. Between the age of 11-69?
2. Mostly female?
3. Trained to poop outside?

DM for details

@novicefather

I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.

@BorowitzReport

Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”

@str8upjuggahos

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

@ActualHuman01

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

@truegritrumble

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.