me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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Felix Baumgartner’s 127,000 ft jump becomes world’s greatest free fall, unseating previous record set by the 2008 US Economy. #spacejump
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder?
Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I didn’t know Sony was hiring.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.