Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
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Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
💯😂
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.