When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life