As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars