The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Grapes for breakfast it is!
Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*cactus hasn’t died in a year*
*adds botanist to resumé*
I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.