@mrjohndarby

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

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@pajamawitch

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

@seancehat

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

@david8hughes

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

@ObscureGent

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

@TheRolo

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

@farleftcoast

Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.

@CynicalLongkat

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

@dugglebutt

*cactus hasn’t died in a year*

*adds botanist to resumé*

@topaz006

I hate waiting in line. I wish this guy would hurry up and pick a suspect.