@TheHyyyype

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

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@climaxximus

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

@Petote

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

@Ryanfc706

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

@JasonLastname

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

@TheRealHoff10

People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.

@adamgreattweet

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

@AnkCoupleTO

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

@InternetHippo

FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th