me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

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[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no


What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed


Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.


*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*


No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.


Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.


People keep asking me today “So you have a new boss?” No, I’m still with my wife.


When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding


I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up


FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th