me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Cause of death: Zumba