“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
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Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say “You can only pick one.”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.