Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

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“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”


Whenever a woman tells me that she just wants to have a good time and sleep with me, I say “You can only pick one.”


“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”


I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.


If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one


I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.


ROOMMATE: oh shit it’s that spider, you take care of it
ME: ugh fine *crouches by the spider* listen dude…you’re late on rent again


sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ


I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.