My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.