Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

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For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.


Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?


What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]


[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.


Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.


I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.


Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.


Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.


[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible