@ThugRaccoons

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

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@_Kim_Jongun

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

@ShockTartBionic

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

@InternetHippo

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

@CantWaitToNap

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.

@Malocallidus

I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.

@HuggyOnline

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO