@LloBrow

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

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@MomOfTeen

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@kimtopher22

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

@kelkulus

Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.

@ArrowsOfTheSun

Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?

@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@psybermonkey

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!