Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
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Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?
Me: Yeah, hold on.
*hands phone to 5yo*
Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?
Baby bunnies look like old Kung Fu masters
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!