@stephenjmolloy

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

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@CJhooray

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk

@SocialustGal13

My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.

@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@BlindChow

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

@SladeWentworth

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

@lizetagge

Don’t ever forget the ‘L’ if you ever Google – Grandfather Clock