me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

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Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”


If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.


Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe


something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts


My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.




A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.


I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!


I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”