[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
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It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat