@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

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@dumbbeezie

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

@wesjohnson8

62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.

@WilliamRodgers

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

@dougbies

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

@KateWhineHall

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

@TheBoydP

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

@schumyxxx

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

@causticbob

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.