@mrjohndarby

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

You Might Also Like

@Parkerlawyer

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

@Donna_McCoy

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

@WeedlordKrillin

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

@trojansauce

something amazing about the original ghost busters movie is that it was made in the 80s before the invention of special effects so they had to cast actual ghosts

@shiksaaa

My boyfriend said he had a Catwoman fantasy. I must have misunderstood because we both wore leather cat suits to bed last night.

Awkward.

@HeyZeus666

Intellectual.

A man who can explain electricity but doesn’t know how to screw in a light bulb.

@supnugget

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

@Donna_McCoy

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”