My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
A woman drives into a bar.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
All. The. Damn. Time.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*