me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
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Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
🤣could you imagine
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
#milo
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on