Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
You Might Also Like
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Raisins are grape jerky.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.