My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I bought up a shit ton of 60w light bulbs just before they got banned and I think it’s time to get rich selling them on the black market
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines