Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?


Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues


Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.


Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie


I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything turns it into an antidepressant. 🧀


Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.


Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.


“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood


Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.


Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter