Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Good news
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.