@Dani_Feld

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

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@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

@ACartoonCat

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

@Dutch_50

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

@HomeWithPeanut

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

@BigFriendlyGrub

I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything turns it into an antidepressant. 🧀

@BoomBoomBetty

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@ScaryMommy

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

@histwaddle

Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.

@SvnSxty

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter