Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?