Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
A drum solo but on your face.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.