The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
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Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too