Me: Can I have a quickie?

Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.

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You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.


Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”


OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.


if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.


Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.


If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.


JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest