Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
TODAY
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.