Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup

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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”


Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.


I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.


Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few


I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.


me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken


“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie


Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.


me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish