me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha
Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup
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Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?
Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish