ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers