Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
This kid is going places
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.