Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
6. me as a lawyer
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.