safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.