@Inconsteveable

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

You Might Also Like

@Getnosexual

My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

@OVO_Ty15

“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever

@goodbeanalt

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

@robfee

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@clindsaysway

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.