Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

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My parenting life wavers between “Be original and true to yourself” and “Please don’t make the school psychologist call me again this week”.


Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.


One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.


“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever


[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok


House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*


When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”


LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.


An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.