@mack44_d

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

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@thepunningman

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

@OtherDanOBrien

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

@SteveCarell

Flight attendant:”Would you like the chicken or the pasta?”
Me:”What would you suggest?”
Flight Attendant:”Eat before you get on the plane.”

@druuuck

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?

@ChrisHallbeck

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

@KrunkedRobot

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

@GrantTanaka

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

@Jake_Vig

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*