ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”