ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
You Might Also Like
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Bobby pin
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Omg 🤣
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.